It's Sunday night and I can't sleep, perhaps it's because of the nap I took earlier today. I think it's because all I have been doing is thinking and as it gets later the clock is staring me down, 5:50 will come all too soon, and instead of continuing to toss and turn and bother Treven who has to be up earlier than that I'm going to put my thoughts down, perhaps it will let me sleep.
1. Things are moving painfully slow with Treven getting a job with the FAA, we were told to expect this but the longer it goes the more nights it keeps me up, what if this doesn't work out? This is plan B and for the moment there is no plan C.
2. Everyday I dread that it will be the day Treven will get laid off, his job at the airport is so sensitive to the economy, they have done many layoffs over the past month, and there is always talk of more layoffs, pay cuts, less hours, etc. They already have lost their monthly and quarterly bonuses.
3. It keeps me up at night wondering why it felt so right to start my radiology program last Feb, just to find out 8 months later and with hefty student loans, that I hated it, more than hated it, despised it. I don't talk about it much mainly because I am embarrassed, I was so sure this was what I was supposed to do, why would I feel that way just for it not to work out? I could have graduated but what was the point, I wouldn't want to work once I was done in that field. It's hard not to be angry at God for that one.
4. Which leads me to the 20 lbs I have put on since last Feb, I dealt with my hate of the radiology program with food. I felt so backed into a corner that I really thought my only option was to finish the program, which lead me to eat more. Now I feel fat and unattractive and everything in my head tells me that I will fail at losing it, just like I failed at finishing most things in my life
5. I feel like many of my prayers go unanswered, enough said on that one.
It is a time in my life that I feel so uncertain of the next step, I don't trust anything that comes to me, and depending on the day it's something different. I'm tired of being hassled about when we are having a baby, if Treven had a stable job and we had insurance that covered it, we might be open to it, but it's not an option right now so don't ask about it anymore. We will have kids when we are ready, and we won't forget to tell everyone.
I think this is a pretty raw entry, I promise there won't be many of these, but sometimes keeping things bottled up just makes it worse. Everyone has their peaks and valley's, right now it's a valley hopefully things will soon get better.
Good night for now, It's after 11 and I feel like it will take awhile to fall asleep, I hate Mondays.
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